Even if…

My heart and mind have been full these last few weeks.

God has been filling my life with words recently.  Last year, words came, but I didn’t want to put them down.  I wasn’t angry at God or anyone else, I just didn’t write them down.

Now, it seems that all I want to do is write them down…

I have been sick a couple of times this past week.  Friday afternoon, after I had been out to do a couple of errands, I began not feeling well… again.  By evening, I was running a temperature.  By the next morning, it was pretty high and I had the chills.

The chills reminded me of January 2017, when I still only had one drain tube (another would be added by the end of January).  I got an infection in my bile duct which caused horrendous shakes, chills and fever.  I will never forget how awful I felt that long night!

I am thankful for antibiotics that helped me recover quickly after that infection.

Well, I am feeling better today, more than 30 hours since my fever broke.  But, I made myself stay home these last 2 days to avoid a relapse.

So, I needed some information from an old company email (we changed systems last year), so I had to go looking for it.  Well, this research caused me to read some emails that I wrote to some medical people.

I am at great peace with this process (except for the waiting!) and know that God is in control.  If I may share one story: I have been dismayed that the Budapest MRI in January was mis-diagnosed.  I woke up at 3 or 4 a.m. during my jet lag days with this thought: If I truly believe that God is in control of my life, then I have to believe that He closed the eyes of the person reading the MRI or allowed them to miss the tumor.  It will be so that God can receive the Glory.  How that will be is still to be determined.”

The peace I felt going through this whole process is due to my heart relationship with God.  And early on, God made it clear to me that He was with me.

So today, as I reflect on this past year, my heart still sings,

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

MercyMe, Even If