Since confirmation that I had pancreatic cancer, I haven’t really used those words. I’m not in denial, but part of me thinks that if my surgeon removed it, then I don’t have it any longer. It’s kind of like my gall bladder that was removed last January. I had my gall bladder, but after the surgery, it was no more. 🙂
This past week has been tough. I went to the hospital last Tuesday, expecting them to do one procedure and then I was going to spend time with family in east Texas. While I was in pre-op, I learned that they were going to admit me. So, no trip to see family and I had the privilege to spend 3 days and 2 nights at Methodist Richardson.
On Wednesday, they did a minor surgery, hoping to alleviate a problem. So, twice last week, I was under anesthesia and I think I am still feeling the effects of all of it! I still have pain where they did the minor surgery and I am almost hoarse now.
This morning, I was sitting in an office, waiting to have my blood drawn and I decided that it’s ok. Ok to talk about some things…
It’s ok to tell people that I have pancreatic cancer. Not that I want to shout it from the top of my lungs, but it is a fact.
It’s ok to walk like an old man. I have very little strength right now and every time I get in or out of the car, I have to be careful so that I don’t hurt myself. I have been self-conscious far too long wondering what people think seeing me walk kind of like Tim Conway in an old Carol Burnett comedy!
It’s ok to cry. This has been the hardest. I have never been one to cry, but since my surgery in November, songs at church or on the radio sometimes bring me to tears. Today I had to pick something up from a store across town and I tried listening to a Christian radio station. While sitting at a red light, I realized that tears were streaming down my face! I had to turn the radio off!
I have been reading through a book of CH Spurgeon’s Gems. He wrote these words in 1894, “Do not reckon that God will give you a life without difficulty! Tell me, if you can, of any child of His who ever had such a portion? He had one Son without sin, but no son without sorrow. No, that Son Who had no sin was the Man of Sorrows and acquainted with grief. So you must expect the Lord to deal with you as He does with the rest of His household.”
No one is exempt from difficulty or sorrow. No one! At this moment, I am traveling on a journey that I was ill prepared for, but one that has come nevertheless. While I cannot control the direction of this journey, I can determine my outlook and response. Even though there are going to be days like the last few, I still can control my attitude. I’ve decided it’s ok to love the Lord, love people, love life.